Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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