I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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