Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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