You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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