I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All I want is dick and wine.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
