she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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