Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
