Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
