It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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