Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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