i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
