Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Boobs are out for the taking
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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