is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
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For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
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Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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