So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
