I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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