Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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