People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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