I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
