Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Randomize
