We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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