Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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