I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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