Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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