There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
