News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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