Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
