Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
