i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
