I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
worst night to have a conscience
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
