So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.