I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"