Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
