Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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