He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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