hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
