I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
