no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
