SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
