I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
