I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
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Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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