I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
