dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
