New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
