who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
