I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
