I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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