I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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