he was CRYING into my vagina
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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