god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
