somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
