I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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