Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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