he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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