Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
