My friends, they love my intelligence
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
