Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
