I was born with a shot glass in my hand
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
my shit smells like andre
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
