i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
